Stuck in the Wilderness

 

Have you ever felt like everything in your life is crumbling down and you're just at the point where all you can think of is how to survive each day? 

Well, here I am, with all these bottled emotions trying to compose everything that's inside me right now.

It's so hard when people think you're okay and doing really good in life, but in reality, you really are not. You're just trying to conceal every ugly part of it and just try hard to survive each day. When being strong is your only option in life because you don't have any other choice. 

Honestly, it's so hard being in this position every time. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and that I can handle it but I'm just human after all, I get tired. 

I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of people's expectations with me. I'm tired of all the responsibilities. I'm tired of pleasing my loved ones. I'm tired of trying my best but every time, I always feel like it's never good enough. 

What I envisioned my life would be today, was not the one I expected it to be. It's a complete mess. I feel like I'm stuck in the wilderness, and I don't know until when. It's hard to function, it's hard to think, it's hard to act, everything is just all over the place. I am disappointed with myself for feeling this way.

I know I can't see a way out now, problems I have that only God knows, but I still believe God will make a way for me. I just hope and pray that this time next year, my life will be different, in a good way of course. Even if it doesn't, I will keep on hoping that one day, it will get better, and my time will come. 

New Year's Eve '23

 

New Year's Eve- one of the most awaited celebrations of the year. Happiness, love, and joy fill the air as people wait for the clock to strike midnight. But not for me. 

I feel my heart being ripped apart and as heavy as a stone. I never thought I would experience this kind of feeling again, the feeling I experienced 5 years ago- when I lost someone very dear to me, my grandpa, my Tatay, on the 3oth of December 2018- just a day before New Year's Eve. It feels like I'm in a dejavu when today, exactly on New Year's Eve, I lost my grandma whom I shared a lot of memories with during my childhood. Ma, I am forever blessed to have you as my grandmother. My heart breaks knowing that I won't be able to see your smile again, to hear your voice again, and to feel your touch again. You have the most caring heart. Thank you for giving life to my beautiful mother, all the wisdom you've shared, all the love you gave, and for the 85 wonderful years you've lived. You may be out of our sight, but never in our hearts. I love you, Mama Lily. 

At this point while I am writing this, I can't help but take a pause to reflect on what this year was like for me. I know for sure it started and ended not the way I expected it to be. It started with me losing my dog and ended with me losing my grandma. It hurts so much when these events happen in your life, and it makes you question "why" it needed to happen that way. This year was full of twists and turns for me. I've experienced pain, struggles, and challenges that I thought were too much for me to handle. I've also experienced people coming in and out of my life. Oftentimes, when things don't go on my way or when "bad stuff" happen to me, I always find myself asking the same question over and over again. WHY? Why does this happen to me? Why does this keep on happening to me? What's the reason behind this pain and suffering? Why do I have to endure all these things? Until when can I endure this? During these vulnerable moments, I would always feel like I'm barely hanging by a thread, or like I'll never survive the situation. 

But then I realize, everything ALWAYS happens for a reason. You may not know it the moment it happens to you, but trust me, in God's time you will. During those times when hurt and pain consume my being, and when I feel like all hope is gone- that's when God always shows up. I always find myself crying my heart out to Him every time I fall down, just asking Him for comfort, healing, and peace. He always comes through as long as you have the heart to seek for Him in the trying times. I believe that those hard times were just meant to happen for you to become a better human being, to build endurance within you so the next time you fall down, you can stand back up again knowing that you are stronger and can already withstand the next difficult season in your life. One thing is for sure, I know that in all of the difficult seasons of my life, God was there. He carried me through. He did it before, He will do it again. God did not promise that there will be no pain and suffering in this life, but He did promise to be with us every step of the way. 

I'm ending this entry by saying that I will keep on standing by His promises for in due time, I believe He will lift me up in honor and all the pain I'm feeling right now will be replaced with joy. It may be rainy now, but it can't rain forever. He heals every broken heart and mends back all the pieces together like it was never broken before. He is mighty, He is able, His ways always, all ways. 

Rest now in God's loving arms, Mama Lily. You will always be remembered.

Circa 2017- Mama Lily with the family during my ECE Board Exam Thanksgiving Party

She Used To Be Mine

"She's imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy but she's kind 

She is lonely most of the time 

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine."

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Feeling like a complete mess right now. Why is life so cruel sometimes? I wish I know why.

I'm so tired.

Ghosted

  

I was ready for you and you were ready for me,

But not with the same legacy.

I was ready to give, you were ready to break-

This heart of mine for goodness' sake.

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I wrote this poem because I wanted to capture how I felt during that time when someone I thought I had a connection with suddenly ghosted me. It was heartbreaking, torturing, and made me question a lot of things about myself and my worth as a woman. I would never forget how it made me feel, but I am grateful how it made me become. Stronger, wiser, and a better version of myself.

Worth The Wait

Just keep the faith and learn to wait,
You've come so far don't be afraid
For someday you'll see, this journey's fate
It's worth everything- you wouldn't trade  

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It's funny how spontaneous I can get during late nights. This poem was something that I made just because I wanna keep reminding myself that no matter how hard life may be at the moment, how bumpy the road is, and how high the climb is, it will always be worth every sacrifice and struggle at the end. Just keep the faith and you'll get there- just believe. 

For My Love Is Sheerest and True

Words, there are no words to speak  with this tongue 
Or songs not enough to sing with this voice,
That epitomize this feeling that clung
You, deep inside I love my heart rejoice

Never I think no more of the picture I see;
When your glistening eyes seek mine
That flannel- shirted smile is a torture
For my heart out pours with love so fine

Even when our memories fade in vain
As Time jostles away our Forever,
Just close your eyes and there you'll hear no stain
That is my heart for you, please remember

For my love I know is sheerest and true
And impediments halt me not love you

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This sonnet was made for our Literature Class during my sophomore year in college and was written in a Shakespearean rhyme scheme. I can say that making this sonnet was really something to be proud of. I truly miss the times when everything was simpler and holding a pen and a paper to write brings me so much joy. I remember making this sonnet because I was thinking of that "special someone". Oh, how time flies.

Mom's Golden Year

December 11, 2015- This day marks the 50th year of my Mom's existence in this beautiful world. Mom, I know I am not the perfect daughter. We fight a lot and argue even on littlest things but I want you to know how much you mean to me. Being a mom of three, and a having a husband far away from you (Dad's working abroad- in Kuwait), I know is not an easy task at all. You wake up early just  so you could cook food for us, go to school (She's a teacher), buy groceries, do chores are just some of your daily routine. All of these things you do just for you to give us convenience. I know you've sacrificed A LOT. I mean, I cannot even describe how hardworking and determined you and of course, Daddy are in everything just to give us a comfortable life. 

Thank You Mommy for EVERYTHING. Without you, we wouldn't be able to see the beauty of life. You are our light and as long as you are there, we will always be able to see our paths. I am beyond grateful to Him that He gave us you to be our Mom. I  love you more than words can say. You were always there for me during my first steps, my highs and lows, even during my first major heartbreak. I will always remember those moments with you Mom because those are special moments. You don't know how much your inspiring words uplift and calm me. I hope and pray that you will always be strong and be happy despite of life's storms. After all, we are family and no matter what, we will always have each other's backs. I may not be the perfect daughter but I am always trying to be the best daughter that I can  be. Someday, I am gonna make you and Daddy proud. That's a promise. 

Mom and Me

Left to Right: Lyka (Younger Sis), Mom, Kristian (Younger Bro), and Me

with Tatay Bibong (Grandpa- Love you so much, Tay!)

Wacky

with Oray (Nanny for 15 years and our second mom- Love you, Ray!)

*insert Daddy in the picture*. Can't wait for you to come home Dad, you missed another party but we're always complete because you are always in our hearts. Distance is just nothing when someone means so much. To many more candles to blow, cakes to eat, and years to celebrate your birthday, Mom! Cheers!