New Year's Eve- one of the most awaited celebrations of the year. Happiness, love, and joy fill the air as people wait for the clock to strike midnight. But not for me.
I feel my heart being ripped apart and as heavy as a stone. I never thought I would experience this kind of feeling again, the feeling I experienced 5 years ago- when I lost someone very dear to me, my grandpa, my Tatay, on the 3oth of December 2018- just a day before New Year's Eve. It feels like I'm in a dejavu when today, exactly on New Year's Eve, I lost my grandma whom I shared a lot of memories with during my childhood. Ma, I am forever blessed to have you as my grandmother. My heart breaks knowing that I won't be able to see your smile again, to hear your voice again, and to feel your touch again. You have the most caring heart. Thank you for giving life to my beautiful mother, all the wisdom you've shared, all the love you gave, and for the 85 wonderful years you've lived. You may be out of our sight, but never in our hearts. I love you, Mama Lily.
At this point while I am writing this, I can't help but take a pause to reflect on what this year was like for me. I know for sure it started and ended not the way I expected it to be. It started with me losing my dog and ended with me losing my grandma. It hurts so much when these events happen in your life, and it makes you question "why" it needed to happen that way. This year was full of twists and turns for me. I've experienced pain, struggles, and challenges that I thought were too much for me to handle. I've also experienced people coming in and out of my life. Oftentimes, when things don't go on my way or when "bad stuff" happen to me, I always find myself asking the same question over and over again. WHY? Why does this happen to me? Why does this keep on happening to me? What's the reason behind this pain and suffering? Why do I have to endure all these things? Until when can I endure this? During these vulnerable moments, I would always feel like I'm barely hanging by a thread, or like I'll never survive the situation.
But then I realize, everything ALWAYS happens for a reason. You may not know it the moment it happens to you, but trust me, in God's time you will. During those times when hurt and pain consume my being, and when I feel like all hope is gone- that's when God always shows up. I always find myself crying my heart out to Him every time I fall down, just asking Him for comfort, healing, and peace. He always comes through as long as you have the heart to seek for Him in the trying times. I believe that those hard times were just meant to happen for you to become a better human being, to build endurance within you so the next time you fall down, you can stand back up again knowing that you are stronger and can already withstand the next difficult season in your life. One thing is for sure, I know that in all of the difficult seasons of my life, God was there. He carried me through. He did it before, He will do it again. God did not promise that there will be no pain and suffering in this life, but He did promise to be with us every step of the way.
I'm ending this entry by saying that I will keep on standing by His promises for in due time, I believe He will lift me up in honor and all the pain I'm feeling right now will be replaced with joy. It may be rainy now, but it can't rain forever. He heals every broken heart and mends back all the pieces together like it was never broken before. He is mighty, He is able, His ways always, all ways.
Rest now in God's loving arms, Mama Lily. You will always be remembered.
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| Circa 2017- Mama Lily with the family during my ECE Board Exam Thanksgiving Party |
